What if?
The Adoption Triad, made up of Birth parents, Adoptive parents, and Adoptees is made up of people who suffered loss and may not have been given the chance to grieve. Adoption is the only situation where a loss has occurred and the people involved are supposed to be grateful. The closed stranger adoptions of the past were shrouded in secrecy and often times, lies. The attempt to cover up a birth mother’s indiscretions and the adoptive parent’s infertility can not be covered up with the band-aid of adoption.
A birth parent’s loss is the most obvious of all the losses in adoption. They must grieve the loss of a child, but it has no closure, no end. Birth parents are known to be reminded daily of their child by news articles or glances of a same age child in the store. Wondering the fate of their child, they are unable to move on as they were promised. Of course, not all birth parents live in regret about relinquishing their children, there are other emotions associated with the act of relinquishing a child that can haunt a parent unless they are worked through. Unlike most mothers today, mothers who had an unplanned pregnancy, 20 plus years ago, still had to deal with the stigma and shame of being an unwed mother. Some carry guilt and regret with them for the rest of their lives. Many times, they do not believe that they have the right to make contact with their adult child. A birth parent’s loss can affect them their whole life.
The grief caused by infertility is often times swept under the rug in the adoption process. Instead of working through the grief to a point of healing, some parents seek a quick fix to thier pain. Before the legalization of abortion, there were plenty of babies for adoption, so the process was much easier. Adoption agencies did their best to match race and backgrounds so that the child would blend in the family and the child would not appear to be adopted, thus lessening the shame of infertility and being relinquished for adoption. Nowadays, unwed pregnancies and the plight of infertility does not hold the same stigma that it did years ago. Once the parents have peace about their inability to have children, they can move on with their lives. Many times, they are able to work in a field with children and do a wonderful job. If they decide to adopt, an infertile couple may have to adopt an older child, or an orphan whose race is different than their own, but this is no longer a cause for shame. Because these children can present more challenges, it is important to be a healthy parent. A child should not be adopted to relieve the pain of a parent who has lost his/her own children due to infertility, but to help resolve the pain in a child’s life.
Finally, there is the adopted child who has lost his birth family, but has been told that he / she is special, chosen, and should be grateful. As an infant, the child is seemingly ignorant of his / her plight, but as he grows, he is aware of this thing called adoption. Depending on how it is handled, it can be confusing to him, and even cause guilt in the child as he grows. Unfortunately, there are the adoptive parents, who are insecure and scared of the thought of a birth parent reappearing in their child’s life. Referring back to their unresolved grief over losing their own birth children, they are scared of losing their adopted children as well. Many children who grow up in this situation are not told of their adoption, or have been convinced that they should never search for their birth parents. Open adoptions of today try to acknowledge the child’s loss issues by better preparing the adoptive parents to deal with the loss of their birth parents honestly. Adoptive parents enter into the adoption process knowing that their child will have access to his / her birth parent and chose to help the child work through the challenges that will be caused by the adoption. The child can be grateful for people in his life that will love him through this process.
My own adoption was handled very well by my adoptive parents. Despite the fact that they told me from the time I was very young that I was adopted, I grew up confused and angry. As a child, I had temper tantrums that were unexplainable until my wise mother figured out that I was upset about adoption. She took the time to explain it to me again, and the fits stopped. Unfortunately, the fits resurfaced again in the form of teen rebellion in my early teen years. My poor parents did not know what hit them as I became out of control struggling with identity and loss issues. Despite the challenges in our relationship, when I was 19, my parents were not too intimidated to help me in my search for my birth parents. Through Search-Finders of California, I did find my birth family, but we would be in the 20% of not so favorable reunions. Knowing my birth family now for over 25 years, we have grown closer, however, relating to me must have brought back tremendous pain for my birth mother, who never had any more children; she was only willing to open up to me on her limited terms. Despite the challenges in these relationships, knowing them has helped me work through identity issues that I have had all my life. At my birth mother’s death last year, the loss issues were greater than I would have imagined. Having had a limited relationship with her, and then losing it suddenly, finalized the loss I had dealt with all my life. Painfully, and with my adoptive mother by my side, I have worked through this loss and am healthier than ever before. Looking back on what my adoptive mother had to put up with, and the fact that she and my Dad loved me through it, makes me grateful to have had them in my life. (My Adoption Story) Loss, if dealt with properly can be a great tool that God can use to shape your life, but it can not be ignored or it creates more problems.
Any adoption, to a stranger, or within a family brings with it loss. Keeping families together is the only way to avoid this loss, but if a family must be separated for unforeseen reasons, it must be seen as loss and dealt with accordingly. Parents, who have not been able to raise the children they bore or the children they wanted, must deal with the loss of what could have been. Abused children need to deal with the loss of the abusive parent. Orphans have lost parents / family. And adoptees, who have never known their birth families have lost those relationships and must eventually deal with the loss, or deal with the pain which results from the loss. Even children who have lost a parent to divorce will need to address these issues if the parent is no longer in their lives. Gaining a step-parent does not cover up the children’s pain of losing a parent. Each member of the Adoption Triad will inevitably play the “what if” game if loss is not dealt with. There are now many support options for the Adoption triad including search and support groups all over the country. In Boise, Idaho, we have Search-Finders of Idaho which meets at the old Booth Memorial children’s home on Warm Springs Avenue on the 2nd Thursday of every month.
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. You hit the nail right on the head, that’s for sure. I have recently gotten in touch with my firstborn, a daughter my parents persuaded me into giving up for adoption. By far the most incorrect choice I’d ever made.
It is completely unnatural and very confusing to have to treat someone who once lived in your own body like a mere friend or distant relative. To have them politely thanking you for paying for lunch, when you were supposed to have bought their diapers, bicycles, braces, prom dresses. To want to hug them and not let go, because you had no idea where they were for twenty years, but to have to refrain. Wanting to weep because you are so relieved to find them alive and well, and for all of the years together that were supposed to have been yours, but weren’t…but having to keep it all together because they don’t know you, and your strong emotions would scare them off, perhaps. Plus the added worry that you are stepping on their adoptive parents’ toes. Being jealous beyond reason of the adoptive parents, who have ‘rights’ to the child you gave birth to.
You are so right to call it a loss. Whereas there is so much closure in meeting the child, there is also almost more pain. You see with your own eyes that you are a stranger to them. You get to listen to them talking about ‘thier’ family, and calling their half-siblings ‘your’ kids, not brothers or sisters as they truly are. Depending on the adoptee, I suppose, there is such a barrier.
I went for months moping around after I let her go. Each child I saw, just as you described in your article, especially females with dark hair and blue eyes, upset me. Not knowing where she was, because it was a closed adoption, I assumed she could be anywhere. My eyes constantly scanned for infants that I thought were ‘my’ baby. It got a little unreasonable for the first six months after I lost her…I was not only postpartum, I was in mourning, too…a rough combination.
Her child will be my first grandchild….and I will have no rights to this grandchild, only what is granted, if it’s granted. I probably won’t be called Grandma, just my first name, if I am included… How short-sighted my mother was to push this on me…thinking it would be a ‘quick fix’, and I could go on with my life. How do you ‘go on’, I would like to ask, being so distracted by grief and loss? Plus the confusion of knowing she’s out there, but not knowing where. Did my parents not care about the nights I would suddenly awake, panicked, wondering where this child was, and if she needed me? Did they not care that I would be severed from this part of the family, not just for twenty years, but in essence, for good? How could this possibly be good for a young unwed mother? It’s a farce to believe that one can go on, forgetting. You don’t forget someone that you gave birth to. Not ever.
This was a ‘quick fix’ for my parents, their pride, and their precious ‘reputation’… but not for me. They had the means to help me out and chose not to…because ‘everyone’ would know. Perhaps that would have been more character-building for me, than to have hidden my ‘secret’ all of these years, and to feel ashamed of something as noble as giving someone life, no matter how it came about.
Bottom line: I believe that true orphans need homes, but when at all possible, don’t fragment the family. My birth daughter has no small amount of animosity towards me, which she has never vocalized, but it is certainly evident. I can’t blame her. How would I feel if that were me? I wish I would have toughed it out and cared for my own. This is a permanent thing, not something that can be smoothed over or undone. I placed my own child for adoption and am not sure if I can ever get over the guilt associated with doing that. Had I not been such a pushover at the time, I would have told my own parents to take a hike. While they might have no problem saying farewell to their own flesh and blood, I on the other hand, very much did. I would never do that again in a million years.
I wanted to be her mom. More than anything in this world. I am so sorry I missed out on that chance to be a parent to an amazing person.
THANK you so much for your reply. Your story is so common among birth mothers! The majority of you feel this way. If you are in the Treasure Valley, we would love to have you at a meeting of Search-Finders of Idaho, a search and support group for adult adoptees and birth parents. It is held at the Booth Memorial Home on Warm Springs Av in Boise on the 2nd Thursday of each month.
Read your post “A” and don’t think I have stopped crying since! Your words said everything I have been feeling since I was forced to give up my son in 1976.
Am so confused/scared/guilty etc…had no family support at the time and now out of the blue my mother decides she needs to search for him…WHY??
Am so angry that she would go behind my back and even when I asked her to stop for awhile as there are issues I need to work on, she wouldn’t do it!
Am being treated for depression/anxiety through the VA and always knew that I had a lot of anger/hate about the situation but didn’t realize just how deep/strong those emotions went.
Like you, I always felt that I didn’t have the right to look for him but it never stopped me from browsing the sites or checking out every child his age…wondering!!
Wanted to go to the meeting of Search Finders but couldn’t get up the nerve to walk in the door. Not sure how well I would do with it being for anyone in the Adoption Triad.
Also, not sure if the desperation I feel now is because of my mother looking or because I have to have a complete hysterectomy April 8!
I just don’t understand why after 33 years, it matters to her. She didn’t want him then so why now?
This was my first response to the website…you wrote me a wonderful email, Joyce, concerning my mother and my relationship…the anger, hurt, etc…that I was so filled with & how hopefully I could put it all behind me and her and I could make this journey hand in hand together. Since then, I have been in some very intense therapy and not sure if I have put it all behind me but have taken some steps to mend the fences!!! My question is…I plan on attending the support group on Thursday the 13th for the 1st time and am wondering if my mother is allowed to go also since she is a part of the Triad circle?
Jackie,
We would love to have you and your mother come to our meeting. We dont get too many adoptive parents, but they are always welcome!